Existing but never being seen

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I am always really frustrated. I want to do more, be better, but I always end up caving in to nerves. I am taking a communication class now. It’s fun and all but I cannot express myself properly. My hands fidget, I stutter, I spit bullshit to cover up my lack in confidence. I fell like humor is my handy cover up when answering any question thrown at me. I am always lacking. I am never satisfied with my performance in the class. How do you even communicate effectively?

There are instances that I just want to float away from my seat. I wanna be a free soul cruising the halls of the building to find answers to the questions that I never seem to form when I want to ask them. I wanna be a curious student who seems to know what he wants to know. I want to be competent enough for myself. I want to be critical. I want to be profound. But I always seem to not make that happen.I want to exist as I see fitting. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want to not be nervous. I want to see myself grow. I want to know.

It’s hard. I am complicated. I am so lost. I don’t want to be found because I am not hiding, I want to be unseen from the deep hue that is blurring my existence. I want to allow myself to be noticed. I want to be heard.

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