“Magaling pa sina Pamela dati, pagod na pagod sila lagi”
This is what my mother said one day. She was pertaining to me and my co-SSG officers. Pamela was an alumna of our school who happens to be the SSG President back in her days.
I ignored it and went on with my usual agenda during that time, which was pretending to be part of the student leaders of our school. I am not saying our administration was lousy but we are being compared to more successful ones. I guess our Ates and Kuyas were better than their successor despite the fact that we are doing our best.
I’m not that excited about this organization compared to my School Paper family because I feel that pressure is building in my chest. We were elected and we should be the “role models”. I think everyone is observing our every move with a look fit for a blood thirsty vampire. The pressure with an unpredictable crowd makes the job really difficult for me. Because of this my slight excitement totally died down.
My part was moving here and there in lines of students to stand and stare at them during flag ceremonies and flag retreats. That was what I’m doing all this time and sometimes shouting “wag kayong maingay!”. Pathetic isn’t it? It is a little awkward and every once in a while someone will call you names and mock you and stuff. I would do everything to not be in those same moments again. I’m sick of it and I never enjoyed it.
I am afraid of the big responsibility that I will have after the induction. Besides SSG meetings are often squeezed into our 20 minute lunch break, it’s a huge struggle for me. I don’t want lose weight you know. Hahahahahaha. I am not that confident with my capabilities. I am afraid that people may judge me because of my slightest flaw. I guess that’s why I got hooked to writing. No pressure and it accepted me for who I am.
That’s why I backed out on last year’s election for this year’s position. I felt free and happy. I never loved it anyway. Many would ask me why I did that and I would answer “wala lang”. They wouldn’t understand it anyway. Screw those Leadership Awards, it doesn’t matter if others will have more medals than me in the end at least I’m happy with my decision. I don’t want to have mental pressure.
It’s a scary world out there and I easily get scared. I think I’m not prepared for journey into the unknown. I’m weak and I know that. I’m not fit for big leadership jobs. I want to have change but I want to be involved in a way that I don’t have to be under pressure again. More of an adviser, project thinker thing and all that stuff.
I’ m defying what they were used to, that a SSG officer will be a SSG officer until the end. Once you’re a part of it there’s no turning back. That’s what I have notice in my co-officers. Some were officers since their freshman years. I want something new for a change.
(Ang sama ng tittle pasensiya na, wala akong maisip.)