Existing but never being seen

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I am always really frustrated. I want to do more, be better, but I always end up caving in to nerves. I am taking a communication class now. It’s fun and all but I cannot express myself properly. My hands fidget, I stutter, I spit bullshit to cover up my lack in confidence. I fell like humor is my handy cover up when answering any question thrown at me. I am always lacking. I am never satisfied with my performance in the class. How do you even communicate effectively?

There are instances that I just want to float away from my seat. I wanna be a free soul cruising the halls of the building to find answers to the questions that I never seem to form when I want to ask them. I wanna be a curious student who seems to know what he wants to know. I want to be competent enough for myself. I want to be critical. I want to be profound. But I always seem to not make that happen.I want to exist as I see fitting. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want to not be nervous. I want to see myself grow. I want to know.

It’s hard. I am complicated. I am so lost. I don’t want to be found because I am not hiding, I want to be unseen from the deep hue that is blurring my existence. I want to allow myself to be noticed. I want to be heard.

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Catching up and UP Diliman

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Mga taong WordPress!!! Namiss ko kayo. Ano ba yan. Nag-english pa ako dun sa huli kong post e SPG naman yung isang term dun. Iba kasi pag-English dahil stereotyped ng mga noypi na magaling, matalino, at may dating, di buh? So, nasa UP Diliman ako ngayon. Three weeks na din akong pumapasok at medyo okay naman. Maraming nag-iingles kahit sa labas ng classroom. Wala pa naman akong naririnig magconyo at kung meron man makikipagsabayan talaga ako. Kala ba nila they are the only ones who can make salita in conyo? Tita Krissy trained me well kaya. Hahahahaha! And now ko lang nalaman na we’re so near pala sa Areneo. Hohohoho! Madami talagang matatalino. Malalaman mo agad pag nagsalita sila. Lahat naman. Nakakaintimidate lang. Pero aayusin ko dito. Nandito na rin lang naman e, hindi ko pa ba gagalingan? Pero nakikiramdam pa rin ako sa mga klase ko. Di pa ako all out na beastmode. Wala akong beastmode by the way. Mabait ako.

Napag-usapan na rin lang naman ang English e may requirement kami sa English 1. Oo, English 1. Yun kasi yung nagrant kong class sa Computerized Registration System (CRS) ng UPD. Ayokong mawalan ng subject kaya di na ako nagprerog. Sa mga di po nakakaalam, ito po yung meaning ng prerog, ito yung process nya, at ito yung tips ni Ate sa tumblr tungkol sa enrollment as a whole. Labasan daw sya ng hidden talent. E wala akong talent. Next sem pa ako magkakatalent kaya yun. Go lang ako ngayon. Journal sya, online. Blog-ish yung type kaya dito na rin ako sa WordPress gumawa. Bisitahin nyo naman guys minsan. English sya. Hindi nga ako sanay e. Iskronicles yung pangalan nya. Booooom! Play on words di ba? Hahahaha!

Mabait yung prof ko dun. Maganda din. Hihi! Si Ma’am Mirasol. Kilala nyo ba sya? Mababait lahat ng prof ko ngayon. Maswerte nga ako e. Hindi lang ako medyo nagsasalita sa klase. Shy ako e. Hihi! Wala din akong required na General Education (GE) subject ngayon. Makikipag-agawan ako ng slots sa mga susunod na sem.

Nag-iisip pa ako kung magshishift ako. B Library and Information Science ang course ko e. Hindi pamilyar ‘no? Takbuhan sya ng shiftees and transferees. Ang alam ko marami ang pumupunta dito na galing Eng’g. Pero kahit ganun no. 1 pa rin ang UPD sa board exam ng mga librarian! Ang daming topnotcher! Okay ba akong librarian? O magshisift ba ako dahil iba ang sinasabi ng society na astig? O dahil iba ang expectations ng mga tao kaya I need to leave? Mas maganda bang pakinggan ang Engineer kesa sa Librarian o di kaya Archivist? Iba kasi ang nakaset sa utak ng mga tao. May nabasa nga ako e. “Nag-UPD ka pa e Educ lang naman.” Wow ha. Edi kayo na ang magagaling. Pero naapektuhan pa rin talaga ako ng mga comment na ganun. Marami din kasing magshishift out samin kahit pa kami ng mga blockmates ko ang “first considerable block” ng School of Library and Information Studies simula nung itinayo sya. Oo, una kami. Ever. Thirty one kami ngayon. Konti lang ‘no? Pero apat lang sila last year. Hahahahaha!

Ang dami kong dapat pag-isipan. Sobrang dami. Payuhan nyo naman ako. Medyo mahirap din kasi. Okay naman ang mga magulang ko dito. Pero naguguluhan pa rin ako. Tanginsss naman oh. Ang cruel ng societal norms.

P.S. I’ll write soon here.

P.P.S. DO CHECK OUT “Iskronicles

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Selflessness (credits to Earl E. Bolivar)

Popcorn, BuzzFeed, and my Summer!

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I can still remember the first time I watched a BuzzFeed video on Youtube. It was one of those boring afternoons (every summer afternoon is boring by the way) when I stumbled upon a page (maybe) sharing something with “Americans”, “Filipino”, and “food” in it’s title. I got hooked instantly! What’s more attention grabbing than those three words for a young Filipino who’s been immensely influenced by everything and anything with America in it and is very, VERY fond of eating? I dove in without any hesitation. Apparently it was about BuzzFeed employees tasting some Jollibee. Fast food. Pftttt. Anyway, it lead from one thing to another and I now resort to their Youtube channel for entertainment. They have good content, for me at least. I get satisfaction from their witty and sometimes funny videos. Their videos are bold, I know, their adults but I get a lot of information from them and I think sometimes I get too much. WAY TOO MUCH

I recently learned something from buzzfeed. Popcorn. Butter is usually added to them while they are hot. (But I don’t do popcorn. I eat rice with ulam for meryenda. Hahaha!) I learned a new word from that video, “truffle butter.” I guessed at first that it must be expensive because truffles are freaking expensive. I learned that from cooking shows 😉 and that truffle oil stinks and will ruin your food if you don’t have proper knowledge of using it, that was from Masterchef. You shouldn’t bitch around Gordon Ramsay if you don’t want to be called an “Idiot Sandwich”. I thought that the truffle butter in the video was truffle mixed with melted butter like those compound butter with herbs that’s used on steaks but NO! Boy, was I wrong! I didn’t expect that! TOTALLY!

An idiot sandwich

An idiot sandwich

Truffle butter is apparently a slang term slowing making it’s way to many people’s vocabulary. I will define it here for information purposes. There are several definitions in urbanditionary.com and I chose a less vulgar and offensive definition. Here goes:

Truffle Butter
-Something so disturbing, you don’t even want to know what it means.
Jake: Dude, what’s ‘Truffle Butter’ mean??
Eli: Bro, don’t even ask.
by Birkner23 March 29, 2015

If you really are curious, click “shame on me.” You can hear the word in one of Nicki Minaj’s song titled “Truffle Butter” what else? Shocker. Anything with Nicki Minaj’s name on it becomes BIG. Sometimes literally, if you know what I mean *grins* It’s quite disturbing though but I can’t unsee it now. The damages have been done. I’m injured inside. THE INTERNET IS VERY POWERFUL.

Aside from truffle butter, youtube videos have occupied me this summer. I’m so into youtube even though I don’t make videos myself. The entertainment industry is boomming then and especially now. Everybody’s into the internet. I learn stuff from videos, a little maybe. I will continue to do youtube because I recently declared myself as a visual learner. I tend to remember more than just simply reading it out of context. Summer is a bliss.

And oh by the way I will kill two more months of vacation! I’m going to college!!! U-nibersidad ng Pilipinas! U-NIBERSIDAD NG PILIPINAS! I’m sorta excited and nervous at the same time. I didn’t expect that I would get into my dream school. I’ll talk about it in another post because I have a lot of kwento soon. I’m turning conyo na. Nooooo! Toodles.

Spaghetti

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Umuulan. Malakas. Mukhang hindi agad titila. Sinasabayan ng langit ang sakit na dinadala niya sa kanyang dibdib. Dinadamayan ng patak ng ulan ang kawawang estudyanteng basang-basa. Walang nagtatangkang lumapit sa bata. Para siyang hanging nilalampas-lampasan ng iba pang mga estudyante.

Dumating siya sa bahay. “O bakit ganyan ang itsura mo?” ang tanging nasabi ng kanyang ina. “Hindi ko sila maintindihan, bakit ganun sila?” ang sagot niyang punong-puno ng lungkot.

“Alam na nga nilang nagkaganun, parang wala lang sa kanila,” ang paghihimutok nito sa ina habang pinupunasan ang tae ng aso na kumapit sa kanyang polo at tinatanggal ang hibla ng spaghetting dala niya bago siya mahulog sa kanal.

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Typical.

Bad turned good:It’s a matter of perspectives!

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I totally hate brownouts, blackouts, and the like. Being an internet person and all, I don’t like them at all! For you people in the big cities, it is seldom experienced because of businesses, hospitals, and institutions which are power dependent. As for the minorities, especially here, it is dreadful, literally . If a sudden change in the weather is observed like a drizzle or cloudy skies together with a little wind, expect a shitty power interruption! Every time! Sometimes our lights would be like Christmas lights! On, off, on, off, and freaking on again.

But I saw a different side to this annoying problem. All the good memories came flooding in 😀 The childhood days slowly unfolded because of another brownout recently 🙂 I just saw myself listening to old stories and “tsimis” in the porch with my relatives. All the laughter, smiles (even though it’s dark), and the bond strengthening. With the aid of a cloudless and well lit up sky, I was smiling in a corner reminiscing.

I remember how my Lolo told us how he managed to get himself to school. He stopped for 2 years just to support his college education. He would go fishing, run errands and other stuffs. He also told us about how his father encountered mystical creatures while working. Aswangs, tyanaks, a mysterious ship (without a crew) that would light up the sea and the whole barangay back then when no electricity is available, and other mysteries that is now part of the past and is passed from generation to generation of story tellers.

My Lola on the other hand would tell about her big family. How she grew up and the fun of having many siblings. She said that we are lucky enough today because our parents can send us to school and how she only manages with a 5 cent allowance in her elementary days. And the enders are always our childhood mishaps, our silly mistakes growing up. Those never get out of style and never gets old 😀

Instead of planning an assassination to the electric company screwing my day I would calm myself and do something productive with my time. But when I need to do something really important and it requires electricity I throw horrid words their way! Hahahahahahaha! I’m just kidding but I really do that a lot. With this, I strongly believe that everybody needs a break from all of the electrically dependent stuff. You should try it, it’s fulfilling and good for you. We need a brownout every once a while, like once every six or seven months! Hahahahahahahaha! 😉

Magnanakaw

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Tahimik siyang nakaharap sa screen ng laptop. Nakapasak ang headset sa tenga. Nakapokus siya dito. Matinding consentrasyon. Wari’y may malalim na inisip.

Maya-maya pa’y mayroon kakaibang ingay na bumasag sa katahimik. Hindi niya namalayan ito dahil sa mahiwagang headset na natindi ang kapit sa kanyang mga tenga na nagsisilbing proteksyon niya sa mga hindi kaaya-ayang ingay na maaring gumambala sa kanya.

Unti-unting lumapit ang ingay sa kinaroonan niya. Daglian. Mabilis. Walang iniintay. Wala pa rin siya’y kamalay-malay. Maya-maya pa’y nasa harapan na niya ang gumagawa ng ingay. Kakaibang nilalang. Makakatakot.

Paglapit nito’y agad nitong ginawa ang pakay. Kinuha ang inaasam. Ang dapat kuhanin sa taong hindi natitinag ang titig sa screen. Walang pakialam.

Dahil na rin sa tagal ng nilalang sa harap niya’t harap-harap siyang ninanakawan, hindi na niya naiwasang pansinin ito.

Tanging napakalakas na sigaw ang naiganti niya. Hindi magkaintindihan. Nakakabingi. Kasabay ng isang napakalakas na hampas.

“Putang ina naman oh!!! Sabing isara ang pinto kung lalabas!!! Ang dami sabing lamok!!! Ayan, offline na!!! Wala na!!! Minsan na nga lang yun mag-online!!!”

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Bang!

Anniversary na pala!?

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Magkaroon ako ng sudden urge na bisitahin ang blog kong ito. Wala akong magawa. Makapag-update siguro. Magbasa. At ayun nga nalaman ko na lang na bukas (April 4) ang anniversary ng blog ko!!! Ganun na pala katagal? Bwahahahaha! Hindi ko na namalayan ang panahon. Hindi kasi akong makatsempo ng pagsulat, tamad po ako (bow) 😀 Wala pating inspiration, walang mapanghugutan dahil wala naman talagang huhugutin. Said.

Napagtripan ko lang pong magsulat sa WordPress dahil gusto kong mahasa sa pagsusulat dahil na rin sa journalism. Pero wala, bokya e. Hindi siguro para sakin yun. Walang magagawa kundi piliting mag-improve 🙂 Bukod pa dito wala  akong magawa (ulit) noong isang bakasyon. Nakatunganga ako buong maghapon (literally). Ang kapatid ko nasa Ormoc lumalaban sa National School Press Conference, ang Mama ko naman nasa ibang bansa nagbabakasyon at ang Papa ko ay nasa ibang bansa rin nagtatrabaho naman.

Pero sobra akong natuwa sa blogsphere! Medyo madami rin akong nakilala. Naeexcite akong magsulat dahil may mga bumabasa ng mga gawa ko. In fact, hindi ako dati magkandaugaga kapag may naglalike ng post ko! 😀 Sobrang saya! Swerte na ang makadalawa. Bwahahahahaha! At least alam kong naaapreciate ang gawa ko kahit walang sense ang sinusulat ko. 😉

At ngayong isang taon na itong blog ko. Sobra-sobra ang pasasalamat ko sa mga tumangkilik, tumatangkilik, tatangkilik, at napadaan lang! Salamat po! 😀 Mabuhay tayong lahat!

The return of the COMEBACK!

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Helloooooooo! Naiiyak ako promise. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin ko. Ang tagal kong nawala. After nung one-month-one-post scheme ko ay bigla na akong tinamad. Bwahahahahaha! Pero nakakamiss din pala ang blogsphere. Okay, let me explain. Nagbusy siguro ako at nawalan ako ng drive para magsulat. Pagkatapos ng Division Schools Press Conference (na isa sa dahilan ng pagkakabuo ng blog na ito) ay hindi na ako nakaget-over sa epic na taon ng 2013. I didn’t made the cut. Kahit anong recognition para sa pangalan ko ay wala. Para nga pong gusto ko ng umiyak noong awarding ceremonies. Para akong may-flu, hindi ako tumatayo. Hayyyyyy! Ewan! Basta, it’s very tragic! Huhuhuhuhuhu! Kahit na nagrepeat ang kapatid ko ng pagkapanalo at ayun nagtatraining ngayon para sa Regional Schools Press Conference ay masakit pa rin.

Naging busy ako sa School Paper namin na Champion last year. Ngayon, ewan. Nanghina na lang ako noong sinabi ng teacher namin na, “Wala nakuhang top 3 ang dyaryo pero pasok naman sa top 10“. Parang ibinili ako ng Iphone 5c kaso kahon pa lang pala. Ang sakit kaya. Hindi na nga kami nagbakasyon para doon tapos hindi na rin ako nakaatend ng training para lang matapos yun. Hurt, hurt, HURT!

Ewan. I can think of many excuses pero ang totoong dahilan ay nawalan ako ng tiwala sa pagsusulat ko. Akala ko kasi ayos na yung nagawa ko noong nagcocontest na, it was not enough pala. I didn’t even receive anything kahit 15th place. Pero, enough heartaches!!! Nakamove-on na ako kahit papaano. Sabi nga nila may bukas pa at last chance ko na next year. Nakadalawa na ang kapatid ko e ako’y wala pa. Lagi pa ako nung idinidiscourage. Hindi dawa ako magaling, hindi daw ako mananalo, etc. Ala hayae na siya!

Maiba tayo, namiss ko ang mga Ate at Kuya ko dito. Sina Kuya June, Ate Zezil, si Master Steno, ang mga napuri sa mga poorly-made post ko (sorry po at hindi ko natanda ang mga usernames niyo),  at ang mga taong natripang ifollow ako. Salamat po!!! Namiss ko rin ang pag-aanticipate na may maglilike at magcocomment sa mga post ko. Ang mga malalalim (nosebleeding) at nakakatuwang post ni Ate Zezil,  ang napakagaling na si Master Sankage, at ang mga nakakaexcite na stories ni Kuya June. Lahat yun nakakamiss!

Hanggang dito muna ngayon. Magparamdam kayo 😀 Bwahahahahaha!

Queen City of the South!

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As Cebu Pacific flight 5J 774 slowly descends to Cebu-Mactan International Airport, I couldn’t resist but to compare the province beneath me now, Cebu, with Manila which I left just an hour ago. Their night lights were significantly distinguishable. Manila’s were far brighter and concentrated than Cebu’s which are dimmer and farther from one another. With this observation, I wanted to further explore the whole province of Cebu especially Cebu City. Intrigued and excited at the same time, I have been dreaming of this moment for some time now.

12:35 AM, we have landed at Cebu-Mactan International Airport, Lalu-Lapu City. The aiport is nice, beautiful in fact. It is the second busiest airport in the Philippines and one of the top 20 airports in the ASEAN region in 2011 which I have seen for myself. The people of Cebu were really nice but I can’t understand Cebuano. I do recognize some of the words because of my ‘bisaya‘ mom. I would always see her with our other relatives laughing in a corner about something that I don’t totally understand. I have always wanted to learn the Visayan language because of its simplicity and complexity at the same time. It fascinated me because it comes in many varieties, starting with Ilonggo, Waray, Boholanon, Cebuano, and the list goes on and on.

We continued our little excursion in Cebu City. I was really amazed. The streets were clean, high rising building are everywhere, the traffic system is very smart, the architectures are just plain beautiful, and everything looked very sophisticated. It is the center of a metropolitan area called Metro Cebu, which includes the cities of Carcar, Danao, Lapu-lapu, Mandaue, Naga, Talisay and the municipalities of Compostela, Consolacion, Cordova, Liloan, Minglanilla and San Fernando. With the modernity that I have observed it is still hard to believe that Cebu City is the oldest city in the Philippines. A fast rising and beautiful city in its own terms.

 “Ang ganda.”, “Sobrang ganda.” and “Dito na lang tayo tumira,” these kept escaping my mouth especially when we went to Ayala Center Cebu. This was the first Ayala Shopping Center located outside of Metro Manila which was opened in 1994. It is chic and modern and is surrounded by big buildings which I think are condominiums. It recently had a major renovation which unveiled “The Terraces”, a 600-million project. It housed high end boutique and stores that is collected in a lagoon like surrounding. I was totally blown away! It exceeded my expectations, big time!

I thought that Cebu City is the perfect city but I was obviously wrong. Where there is a beautiful side there must be a not-so-beautiful side. Everything needs balance and Cebu City is a part of everything. I saw Cebu City’s other side later that day. And it somewhat shocked me because I really thought that I have seen something perfect. Bustling streets with speeding cars, tons of crossing pedestrians without a proper pedestrian lane and slum like areas, these are what I have seen while crossing the poorly lighted road running for my own life. It was smoky but bearable. I should be used to it by now because Metro Manila is a little bit worse.

I have been to Cebu, smelled the air, felt the vibe, walked the sidewalks, met the people, and loved it totally! It took me just a day to fully appreciate its beauty. And I know this wouldn’t be my last visit because I want to see its development through the years and maybe, just  maybe Cebu City will be my own little paradise in the future.